Speed Bump #15

I sometimes wonder why I can't keep my mouth shut.  I seem to alienate the one person I depend on the most.  I tell myself every day before my husband comes home not to talk too much.  But of course I find myself talking and talking loud and complaining.  I truly do not mean to come across this way.  I do count my blessings each and every day.  I'm sure or I think I'm sure that this all comes from frustration.  I can't do for myself and this angers me.  And I stew all day long with no diversions, no one to talk to.  Poor, poor pitiful me!!

Jeremiah 29:11, 12, 13  (I must remember this!)

Speed Bump #14

I am quite upset today.  Nothing seems to be going smoothly thus a speed bump entry.  I one thing I really hate about all this is the loss of independence.  I find there is less that I can do for myself.  For example, adjust the AC.  I can't reach it so I wear sweaters and wrap blankets around me.

I also hate becoming invisible.  My eldest avoids and my youngest ignores my parenting.  I wanted to first excuse the youngest because of the stage in his life, the teenager, but find I cannot.  I'm not dead yet so please listen when I talk.  Respect my requests.  For my eldest (and only girl) I think she resents the notion that because she is the female, she should naturally do for her mom.  Wrong generation!

I get so lonely here all day long with no one to talk with or share my time.  When the family comes home, I want to talk.  Verbalize.  They are tired from their day and don't want to talk.  This is when I truly miss teaching.  The interaction with other adults and the quirkiness of 8th graders (that are not my own).

Speed Bump #13

Strange but humerous entry.  As I sit throughout the day either reading, praying, or watching tv, I have to try not to need to go to the bathroom.  I can't do it on my own and I really don't think a neighbor wants that phone call.  I have resisted the "Depends" avenue but have finally gone to those protective liners.  They remind me of what we wore back in the days when first having those "monthly visits".  I have the wad on and unless I sneeze it stays dry.  The other day I was in my new power chair (the one that can go horizontal to relieve pressure on your seat) and I just had to go.  I was maintaining my composure when I coughed and the floodgates opened!  I sat there and thought, "Wow.  I have a M.Ed. so I must have some intelligence.  And here I am peeing in my pants."  Depressing but at the same time very funny.  Later when Dennis called to check in I told him there was no need to hurry home that day!

Speed Bump #12

As I sit at home each day, I find my humor in strange ways.  The other day I was hungry so I went to the frig.  Unfortunately, the powerchair would not let me get close enough to grab anything.  So I sat and stared at what was out of reach.  I've decided to advertise this new type of diet.  It's called The Out of Reach Diet.  The only requirement is to sit in a chair out of reach of any food in the refrigerator and stare. You do this as often as the urge to eat.  Powerchair is optional!

Speed Bump #11

It's been awhile since I have sat down to post but many thoughts are making their way from brain to fingers.  Since my last post I have had another non-ALS related health problem.  Since February when clots were discovered iin both lungs, I have been taking medication but unable to stabilize things.  Around the end of April I began to notice bruising and then re-bruising on my outer right thigh.  Since my right leg and foot was the stronger of the two I would always lead with that foot to turn around to sit.  Well I started having pain when I would hit the same spot when trying to sit on my walker.  However, Dennis never saw a bruise.  Then I noticed my leg from the knee up was beginning to swell up.  But I thought it'll go away.  Everyone told me not to worry, etc.  A small voice in my head kept saying I should be cautious due to the blood thinner medicine. 

Finally on Saturday, April 30th after Dennis and I had gone to a local garden center in the handicapped van, I told him I was in so much pain.  He decided to take me to the ER.  Once we were there and equipped with 4 bracelets (the one I loved was the "FALL ALERT" bracelet), a sonogram was done on my right leg which showed no clot or evidence of a clot.  Blood test did reveal my "PT INR" count was too high.  It was determined that my bruises were "bleeding out" into my leg.  I was given pain medicine and sent home.

I stayed home Monday in great pain and saw my doctor on Tuesday.  I was told no work for the week and reaccess for next week.  It would take my body time to re-absorb the red cells into my body.  Dennis stayed home Monday - Wednesday and went into school half days on Thursday and Friday.  I was still in pain AND unable to stand on this leg which meant that Dennis would have to lift me all the time.

Lifting me involves me putting my arms around Dennis' neck and trusting him to keep me from falling.  Another of life's lessons.  That is scary trust!  Besides that I had to stay quiet since my mouth was so near to his ear!!  I can't even imagine that trust/faith to walk on water when told to step out of a boat.  I can't say I've totally learned that lesson but I am working on it.

To be continued.

Speed Bump #10

As I stated in #9, my youngest broke his nose.  Today in the middle of spring break he had surgery to fix his nose.  Dennis and I took him even though it was thought I should stay home.  I couldn't do that.  He is my baby and I knew he was scared, especially to go under anesthesia.  So we went.  Surgery was at 11:30 and he checked in at 9:30.  By 1:00 I was done with sitting in the wheelchair.  My personal seat was sore.  Dennis wanted to take me home but I needed to see Matthew.  I finally did and while he was still recovering enough to come home, I was taken home.

Hubby and I are not communicating well these days.  I talk too much, ask too many questions.  He wants quiet morning coffee, quiet mid-mornings, noon, afternoons and evenings.  I do know he is under a lot of stress and everything is dumped on his shoulders.  I try and try to stay quiet or ask less.  But who can I talk to?  I asked my eldest about it, about why I get so anxious.  Her response? "Because you have very little, if any, control anymore."  I read about this man who was paralyzed and Home Improvements (tv show) built him a new house which gave him back much of his independence.  One quote he said about the hardest part of his life was "waiting for others to respond to his requests".  Bingo!  In a nutshell.

Speed Bump #9

I never thought I was a weak person but I've come to realize that most of mt life I have been scared.  I've been scared of failing, of succeeding, of rejection, of acceptance.  But I've also come to realize that most of us are the same way.  I've always been afraid of flying and because of that fear I've gone almost nowhere and seen very little.  I guess the bravest thing I've ever done was to be a parent.  Talk about working on something 24/7 and waiting years for the outcome!  In some cases I imagine we never see the outcome.  It could be generations away.  All I know is my eldest is struggling, we still hold our breath on our middle child, and our youngest broke his nose!  But isn't that life?

I haven't been putting a lot of effort into this blog lately.  I felt that no one was reading it.  Just yesterday, however, a colleague told me she checks in at least once a week.  There was the encouragement I was asking for but at the same time I realize that I should be writing for ME and not for others.  The last couple of days I felt I was lagging farther behind at work.  Not putting all my effort in or unable to do so.  But once again I am my own worst critic.  I was reminded of this when I was off one day the other week and my assistant said how behavior in our most hormone driven 8th grade class was totally off without my presence.  And then my dean reminded me that "I was his hero."  So I am learning at this late stage of my life to let go, accept things as they are and to always give a little bit of yourself along the way.  I won't always succeed but I'll keep trying.