Speed Bump #10

As I stated in #9, my youngest broke his nose.  Today in the middle of spring break he had surgery to fix his nose.  Dennis and I took him even though it was thought I should stay home.  I couldn't do that.  He is my baby and I knew he was scared, especially to go under anesthesia.  So we went.  Surgery was at 11:30 and he checked in at 9:30.  By 1:00 I was done with sitting in the wheelchair.  My personal seat was sore.  Dennis wanted to take me home but I needed to see Matthew.  I finally did and while he was still recovering enough to come home, I was taken home.

Hubby and I are not communicating well these days.  I talk too much, ask too many questions.  He wants quiet morning coffee, quiet mid-mornings, noon, afternoons and evenings.  I do know he is under a lot of stress and everything is dumped on his shoulders.  I try and try to stay quiet or ask less.  But who can I talk to?  I asked my eldest about it, about why I get so anxious.  Her response? "Because you have very little, if any, control anymore."  I read about this man who was paralyzed and Home Improvements (tv show) built him a new house which gave him back much of his independence.  One quote he said about the hardest part of his life was "waiting for others to respond to his requests".  Bingo!  In a nutshell.

Speed Bump #9

I never thought I was a weak person but I've come to realize that most of mt life I have been scared.  I've been scared of failing, of succeeding, of rejection, of acceptance.  But I've also come to realize that most of us are the same way.  I've always been afraid of flying and because of that fear I've gone almost nowhere and seen very little.  I guess the bravest thing I've ever done was to be a parent.  Talk about working on something 24/7 and waiting years for the outcome!  In some cases I imagine we never see the outcome.  It could be generations away.  All I know is my eldest is struggling, we still hold our breath on our middle child, and our youngest broke his nose!  But isn't that life?

I haven't been putting a lot of effort into this blog lately.  I felt that no one was reading it.  Just yesterday, however, a colleague told me she checks in at least once a week.  There was the encouragement I was asking for but at the same time I realize that I should be writing for ME and not for others.  The last couple of days I felt I was lagging farther behind at work.  Not putting all my effort in or unable to do so.  But once again I am my own worst critic.  I was reminded of this when I was off one day the other week and my assistant said how behavior in our most hormone driven 8th grade class was totally off without my presence.  And then my dean reminded me that "I was his hero."  So I am learning at this late stage of my life to let go, accept things as they are and to always give a little bit of yourself along the way.  I won't always succeed but I'll keep trying.