Speed Bump #19

Dad was buried yesterday.  I so remember his words - say a few words, stick me in the ground and get on with your life!  I so wish I could get on with LIFE.  I try my best not to concentrate on the tomorrows (how many, what they will be like, etc).  Panic attacks have taken over and I fight them daily.  They usually occur when I get in bed but yesterday they started earlier and I have that feeling in my gut right now.  I so do not like where I am at the moment.  I think it robs me and the rest of the family from precious time together.  I hate that my voice is now affected and I have constant dry-mouth or my tongue feels like it is coated with powder.

I don't want to just sit in this powerchair and waste away!  Our finances are bad too which just adds to Dennis' burden and I need to work to help.

Speed Bump #18

So much going on since last post.  Sorry I haven't been more deligent.  I was on short term disability from May through the end of the school year due to problems with blood thinner medicine.  Nothing with the ALS though I've lost some ground.

Lost my Dad yesterday.  He was 99 years old and he went the way he wanted to go.  In his own apartment, in his own bed, in his sleep.  I had been praying that the Lord would gently take him home.  That it was time.  He was ready.  No matter how prepared you are to have a loved one go, you really aren't prepared.

I am now an orphan.

Speed Bump #17

What a beautiful morning!  I took the power chair around the block (1+ miles).  More than half way through and Dennis showed up in the car to check on me.  I asked him if he thought I was tipped over, wheels spinning and neighbors ignoring me.  He said he was just being a good husband.  I say Amen to that!!  No one could have a better husband than me.  Last Sunday was our 29th Anniversary.

Hard to believe it is Memorial Day Weekend and there are 13 school days left.  I had so wanted to get back before the year was over.  Not sure this is going to happen. I could go to help pack up but not sure how much "help" I would be.  Still waiting for Disability to kick in and have some income.  It has certainly put a strain on the bill paying!!  Many people are worse off so I will count my blessings.

Speed Bump #16

I spent an hour this morning trying the cpap machine we got last week.  We haven't really started during the night simply because Dennis viewed it as one more thing to do in the evening.  Now that soccer season is over perhaps he won't be as exhausted as he has been.  I feel so bad for him.  He takes Matt to school and picks him up ( since this is not his home school but where I teach), does the grocery shopping, laundry, yard work, and cleans the house.  He also takes care of my needs, dresses me each morning and gets me in bed each night.  Besides that he teaches 5 levels of German.  There are repairs to the house he cannot get to or even know how to do it.  Since I am not working and short term disability hasn't kicked in yet, we are missing a third of our income.

We had hoped that Peter could find a part-time job in Virginia Beach.  He had one interview but I gave him the wrong date!  He went to it a day late.  First priority is school but he just needs a small job to help his self-esteem and pocket money.  I really screwed up there.  I just really wish that something good would go his way just once.  He thinks no one will ever take a chance on him.  It's hard to have faith when he doesn't have faith to begin with.

We have some people from church coming to see if they can help with some repairs.  I hope they can because this would be one answer to prayer.  Now if we could find someone to help me mid-day with lunch and personal needs that would help out.  Even to come by and talk with me would break up the day.

I leave with one bit of wisdom:  A bedside commode is only good if the bucket is in there!  Think on that one and you have a view of our life.

Speed Bump #15

I sometimes wonder why I can't keep my mouth shut.  I seem to alienate the one person I depend on the most.  I tell myself every day before my husband comes home not to talk too much.  But of course I find myself talking and talking loud and complaining.  I truly do not mean to come across this way.  I do count my blessings each and every day.  I'm sure or I think I'm sure that this all comes from frustration.  I can't do for myself and this angers me.  And I stew all day long with no diversions, no one to talk to.  Poor, poor pitiful me!!

Jeremiah 29:11, 12, 13  (I must remember this!)

Speed Bump #14

I am quite upset today.  Nothing seems to be going smoothly thus a speed bump entry.  I one thing I really hate about all this is the loss of independence.  I find there is less that I can do for myself.  For example, adjust the AC.  I can't reach it so I wear sweaters and wrap blankets around me.

I also hate becoming invisible.  My eldest avoids and my youngest ignores my parenting.  I wanted to first excuse the youngest because of the stage in his life, the teenager, but find I cannot.  I'm not dead yet so please listen when I talk.  Respect my requests.  For my eldest (and only girl) I think she resents the notion that because she is the female, she should naturally do for her mom.  Wrong generation!

I get so lonely here all day long with no one to talk with or share my time.  When the family comes home, I want to talk.  Verbalize.  They are tired from their day and don't want to talk.  This is when I truly miss teaching.  The interaction with other adults and the quirkiness of 8th graders (that are not my own).

Speed Bump #13

Strange but humerous entry.  As I sit throughout the day either reading, praying, or watching tv, I have to try not to need to go to the bathroom.  I can't do it on my own and I really don't think a neighbor wants that phone call.  I have resisted the "Depends" avenue but have finally gone to those protective liners.  They remind me of what we wore back in the days when first having those "monthly visits".  I have the wad on and unless I sneeze it stays dry.  The other day I was in my new power chair (the one that can go horizontal to relieve pressure on your seat) and I just had to go.  I was maintaining my composure when I coughed and the floodgates opened!  I sat there and thought, "Wow.  I have a M.Ed. so I must have some intelligence.  And here I am peeing in my pants."  Depressing but at the same time very funny.  Later when Dennis called to check in I told him there was no need to hurry home that day!